How Do We Change Our Speech?
How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!
-James talking about the tongue.
“Is cussing a sin?” is often the topic that comes up when we think about God and speech.
But when we boil down God’s commands in the realm of speech to “do this and don’t do this”, we miss the beauty and complexity of the Bible.
Deeper Than Words
“Words are the surface expressions of deeper desires, emotions, and values.” ( A quote from the Dynamic Heart.)
When you use that tone, when you complain, when you are angry, and even when you cuss. Those words and intentions never happen in a vacuum. The Bible teaches that “for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” - Luke 6:45
If this is true, doesn’t it make sense that if you want to change what comes out of your mouth, which is incredibly difficult work, simply breaking bad habits of using certain four-letter words, isn’t what God is after?
He is interested in a much deeper project within you. The changing of your heart. From which pure speech can flow.
Repent of More
Because speech comes from the heart, this adds responsibility to all of us to consider what effect our words and tones are having on those around us. I can imagine some culturally savvy, tight-lipped southerners, assuming their speech is godly and pure because they don’t use any expletives.
But the Bible doesn’t let us get away with that. It presses deeper.
If I printed off a transcript of your words to your wife, kids, or to your co-workers. Would I see evidence of a heart that loves God and people? What about the interior thoughts we all hold?
The Bible isn’t just concerned with what we say, but also how we say things. The way in which you speak also matters to God.
How To Change
Let’s say you notice a pattern of speech within you that you have felt convicted of by the Lord. How do you go about changing that?
There’s a lot you could do, but here is one thing that has helped me.
When the Spirit convicts me of my speech, I try to go to prayer after that event and ask God to help reveal to me: “Where did that come from?”
I get this from James 3:10-11
10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water?
After James’ admonition for us to control our speech, he says that pure spring water cannot be produced from a saltwater opening. So if something comes out of me that the Spirit does not approve of, it is right for me to ask… where did that come from? And then dig to find the answer.
Friday Night
Let’s say, hypothetically of course, this coming Friday night is my first day off in a while. It’s been a crazy week at work, and I’m looking forward to some alone time to decompress.
Then my wife comes home and brings to my attention that she has also had a long day and would really enjoy going out to eat. Now, I like to think I am mature enough not to outwardly explode and scream what I really want to do. But internally, and in subtler ways, I might make my displeasure known.
On my worst days, I might say, ya lets go, and then be impatient as Caroline gets ready. I might make a snarky comment… It’s about time we left (as we get into the car later than we said we would). I might not listen when she tells me about her day, just kind of hoping to get home soon. I might belittle the work situation that she feels very stressed about.
No screaming.
No cussing.
But still, things are coming out of my heart that are not of love. In my words, tones, and expectations, you can see they are the surface expressions of my true desires, emotions, and values.
What is funny is my wife is so loving and kind that if I simply explained how I was feeling to her calmly, she would totally understand, and we would work to find a compromise where we spent good time together, but also were able to recharge on our own.
Asking the question
So let’s say this is how the night went, though, and I recognize towards the end of our dinner… oh no… I am feeling conviction from the Spirit. I am not being loving to my wife. And I excuse myself to the bathroom and pray and ask: “God, where is this coming from?”
And He gently shows me, you have elevated in your heart personal time above your wife. You have elevated being served over serving. You are not showing love to someone made in God’s image. You could at least explain to her how you are feeling instead of throwing snarky comments out here and there and silently wishing to be home.
Ah, my heart has elevated something far above God and my wife, my own desires. I might say: “Lord, I see this. And I do confess I do want time alone, but I love my wife. And she loves and cares for me so well. It is a small thing to push past some temporary discomfort of feeling like I have a low social battery right now, to actually engage and love my wife in active listening.
Change my heart, Lord. You came not to be served, but to serve. Help me serve. I’m so selfish sometimes.”
And as I head back to the table with a new heart touched by the selflessness of my Lord, leading me to want to be more selfless, my heart is changed.
Rather than one full of salty water, spewing salty speech. I now, imperfectly, have one of pure water because of Christ. And what comes out of my mouth now is more pure.
Maybe I say, hey, look, I know I’ve been a little snarky tonight. It’s just been a long week, and I really wanted to stay in. I know I didn’t explain any of this to you, so that’s on me. I wasn’t listening well earlier, but I want to. You listened to me so well the other day when you had a long day. Thank you for that. Tell me again about work…
The Difference
Do you see how much long-term change this approach has the ability to produce?
From that healed heart, not perfectly healed, but in process… what can be produced now, even in the apology, and the speaking to God, and sharing with my wife moving forward, is not words that bring down or destroy, but words that bring life.
Imagine the world we could help build as God’s people if we lived like this.
Where is your speech revealing a heart that needs healing?
Asking God to continue to fix my selfish heart,
Josh.